Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
