Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
