I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
