Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Randomize
