So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
even my farts smell like vagina
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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