Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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