omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
