Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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