this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
