everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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