hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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