idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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