She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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