Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
