what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
