I haven't been this sober since birth.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
