Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
