I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
