Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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