dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
