i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize