I haven't been this sober since birth.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize