I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
