He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
