dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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