I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
