guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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