My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
