I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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