You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
