Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
