my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
