i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize