he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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