Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Randomize
