Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
