youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
