My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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