Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
