I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
