in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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