note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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