I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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