Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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