Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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