Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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