All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
