i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
