You're my little dorito
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize