You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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