I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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