do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
