I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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