just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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