maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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