life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Enjoy the penises
I use my feet as sexual weapons
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
