I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
