you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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