His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The air was thick with penises
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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