A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
